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Bangkoking with Mr Beeg

29/7/2012

19 Comments

 
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Shot by photographer Wojtek Kalka at the Tiger Temple in Kanchanaburi, Thailand. We went there enticed by images like these only to find tigers chained up like dogs
Twenty minutes have passed since baggage collection at Swarnabhoomi Airport. So far, no sign of Bangkok Taxi man who has promised online to take us Bangkoking over the next three days. Mom’s worry lines are deepening. Mamaji (Col Rawat) has acquired the lips-tightly-stretched “they’re all cheats” look. Saransh,10, is sulking since his PSP battery has died and aspiring writer Isha,11, is looking sad and disheartened by the turn of events that had been expected to inspire a debut novel. Cousin Tanu (Raabert to my Mike-ale in this trying assignment to take Loin and the family on a South East Asia tour) is rolling her eyes and mouthing “just chill” to me.

Just when I’ve finished kicking myself for not having agreed to stick a red rose in the buttonhole or at least paint a mole on the chin for easy recognition, in the swarming sea of mindboggling faces I spot a placard at half mast.

 Is it my imagination or is that Adnan Sami (or a twin separated at birth) half-heartedly holding up a card that says: “Mr Rachna Bisht”. Letting go of the trolley bearing a mountain of suitcases, I leg it to his side. “You are Meestal Beast?” he asks incredulously. “Well! Yes,” I nod firmly, telling myself that confidence is everything in cross-cultural confrontations like this. I’m not wrong. “Welcome to Bangkok. I am Meestal Beeeeeg,” he booms and goes on to give me a hand shake that feels like my hand has been swallowed by a wet, boneless jelly fish. I hastily withdraw my fingers and check to see if all of them are intact. Mom (who has been watching with eagle eye) has not approved of this immodest fraternizing with a strange man. One “apne-Bharatiya sanskar-mat-bhulo” talk coming up. Meanwhile, Mamaji is  trooping forth, arm outstretched. “Mr Big meet Colonel Rawat”. Colonel Rawat’s fingers close around Mr Beeg’s and the crunch and sudden squeak that escape the latter assure me that he now knows what manly handshakes are all about. 

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Now why would a decent Indian family go holidaying to a place famous for you-know-what kind of things that decent family blogs like this one shouldn’t be writing about? Because it happens to be in the way to Bali, silly. And Bali is where we are eventually  headed with a rest and recoup planned at Kuala Lumpur. (More about that in a subsequent blog – if I get enough comments on this one). Cheaper flight too. And Expedia is offering some amazing rates on four star hotels with buffet breakfast thrown in.

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Mr Big drives us in a lovely luxury van to the hotel and then in the evening to the Siam Niramit show which if you haven’t seen it (possibly distracted by the numerous other attractions of Thailand), you must. Even though I haven’t had any interaction with them so far, the Ping Pong girls can’t be a patch on what that awesome evening offers us. As the show unfolds recounting Thai history and culture, rivers come gushing down the stage, large fishing trawlers make their way in, a thunderstorm erupts, apsaras drop from the skies and crops flower in front of our eyes. There’s humour, romance, mythology, thrown in with some unbelievable acoustics and special effects. The entire family watches spellbound and for once the whiny kids are silenced too totally taken in by the magnificent elephants that troop down the aisles, the grand court processions, the magic, the pretty krathongs (small decorated floats) that audience members are invited to float in the water. It’s an evening well spent. When Loin thumps Raabert and self on the back with “Good choice” we click our heels and military salute.

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The next morning the primary objective is to stuff ourselves to bursting point with the buffet breakfast at the riverside restaurant and dig into some luscious fruits - passion fruit, snake fruit, pineapple, papaya and rambuthan (sort of a litchi with a more elaborate hairdo). I’m pleased to report that the family does a good job of it though I have to look away and pretend "not guilty" when a tall and distinguished looking gentleman dips the spoon into the strawberry yogurt bowl only to have it scraping the bottom noisily. Next, we go looking for our luxury van at the hotel reception. Abracadabra! It has today turned into a poorer cousin that has obviously seen better days. Mr Big has been replaced by someone who  looks like Mr Small (we soon find out he is Meestal Meeth) and cannot explain the black magic to us since he “no speak Englees”. Though I’m quite pleased that in my heels I look down upon his five feet, there has been a breach of contract and I know the Colonel shall have none of it. Detailed interrogation (mostly via voice modulation) reveals that Meestal Meeth cannot understand us and all communication will have to be done in sign language. Mamaji tries yelling in his ear but that too does not seem to enhance his understanding of the Englees language. I am ordered to sort out the matter with Bangkok taxi and only then shall the regiment move ahead. While the others chill in the van, I call up Mr Suwan (CEO, Bangkok taxi) and give him a piece of my mind. “You no get angly my fraand. I am velly velly sorry. You my very good customer. I change taxi. I change driver. My fraand from India, the land of beauty and culture, I geeve you special rate. Other people I give less.” He melts my heart completely. (Just for the record, we continue with the same taxi, the next driver is as bad as this one and each time I call Mr Suwan to complain he just charms me out of my anger).

The kids get back to their PSPs, the ladies sleep off their breakfast and the Colonel resorts to third degree methods to elicit information from Meestal Meeth. He plonks himself in the co driver’s seat and starts to talk to him in Hindi with a bit of Garhwali thrown in. When Raabert and I give him the “what-are-you-doing-bass” raised eyebrow he says he has his own ways to catch lying cheats. That day we are taken to the Damnoen Saduak floating market, the beautiful bridge on the river Kwai and the tiger temple at Kanchanaburi where big hefty snoozing tigers are tied up with chains like pet dogs and visitors can touch them and have a picture taken.  

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Day three we visit the awesome reclining Buddha temple of Wat Pho that dazzles us with the Buddha’s mother of pearl feet, stunning architecture, brilliant colours and the charming guide Suchin who tells us he is a cancer survivor and an ex Army man. Though when he repeatedly addresses Mamaji as Colonel-lu, I have serious doubts about that. Then it’s time to hit a mall and a food court – MBK or Mahboonkrong – where we look at some fake designer watches and pick up T shirts and strappy sun dresses for a steal. Saransh is completely mesmerized by a key chain that is designed to look like fake dog poo that the shopkeeper pretends to swallow. He digs his heels in and wails that he has to have it. I pull him away callously.

Later in the evening, we take a dinner cruise on the Cho Phraya river, where we see the riverside sights of Bangkok, all beautifully lit up to the live band playing some lovely Abba numbers and enjoy a buffet dinner. Colonel switches on the legendary Army charm and shakes a leg with the pretty Thai girls, completely outshining the paunchy Australian and Jap middle aged men flashing dollar tips. On the drive back to the hotel, we cross an area where mats are laid up on the roadside and some kind of (cough, cough) nefarious activity is going on. I look around stealthily to see if anyone else has noticed the change of scenery to find that kid-who-can only- be- surgically- separated- from- his- PSP has his nose glued to the car window. “What are they doing? What are they doing?” he whines. Isha looks out of the window and starts taking copious notes. Mom is saying “Hey Bhagwan” on loop, Mamiji is sleeping, blissfully unaware that calamity has struck. Meestal Meeth, noticing interest generated, helpfully asks: “You want stop?” slowing down next to a fat man and a young girl trying some gymnastic moves. Is it my imagination or has Mamaji boxed his ear. “Abe! Aage badh $%^&8 (unprintable Hindi swear word)” he bellows and the shocked driver steps on the gas and the car zips past. “I told you he understands Hindi also,” Mamaji looks back at me and Tanu victoriously. Saransh is still whining: “Mujhe dekhna tha.” “Baby that was Thai massage,” says Tanu intelligently. Mamiji, who has only just woken up, says she wanted to try one too. Isha puts up her hand for another question but Tanu distracts everyone by saying we have to get up past midnight for our early morning flight to Bali. “We are going to go to the beach, we’re going to snorkel, we’re doing to swim with the dolphins and we’re going to have a great time,” she says.

Well! Are we? If you are looking for an answer to all that and other nail biting questions like: does Saransh find something more interesting that his PSP in Bali; does Isha get a plot for her novel; does Mom find vegetarian food that doesn’t smell of sea weed; does the Colonel go in for a body massage? Watch out for the next blog. It’s khob khun ka or krun till then. Depending on whether you are female or male, that’s thank you in Thai.

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The noisy, colourful and exotic floating market
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Siam Niramit show
19 Comments
Utpal Bordoloi
29/7/2012 02:45:10 am

I was trying to think - for several days - who your writing style reminded me of. Now I think I have the answer. P.G. Wodehouse. Juxtaposition of ideas, sentence construction, etc. Now, Rachna Ma'am, please start writing BOOKS.

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Utpal Bordoloi
29/7/2012 02:53:11 am

And you have a wicked sense of humour. Bangkoking with Mr Beeg ? If I was Colonel Rawat, I would beat you.

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Mahendra
29/7/2012 02:29:15 pm

While this is somewhat different from my Bangkok experiences (in my defence - I never went their with kids or Army Colonels...), I have to say your is better since it comes with a live demonstration of the famed Gurkha interrogation skills, and of course healthier eating.

Look forward to the Bali episode, especially if Col saheb did go for the body massage.

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Swapan Lahiri
29/7/2012 04:11:53 pm

Brilliant! Reminded me of the wit and humour of My Family and Other Animals by Gerald Durrell in my formative years. Must give us more of this - I am really intrigued by Col Rawat's depiction: very difficult to find such real life examples of this disappearing breed of Army stalwarts any more.Thx!

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BIG B JB
29/7/2012 04:50:20 pm

Very well written article once again...I think Mr Bee should meet me also for his shake hand..I am sure he will shake all his bones....lol...Mamaji seems to be typical ardent fauji who used his "Vocnbulary" at correct place and correct time....description of places and incidents gives a vivid pic of your wonderful tour..next time take me along as Body guard..ha ha ...

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SAM
31/7/2012 02:47:39 am

Liked the Wodehousian touch in the para on 'mats with nefarious activities by the roadside'
Waiting for the Bali episode

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ather
31/7/2012 03:28:28 am

Fantastic stuff- made me laugh out loud at: One “apne-Bharatiya sanskar-mat-bhulo” talk coming up.

Really Rachna, you are truly gifted- the trouble is your description is so vivid that I feel I have seen the sights for myself already! Ab waha jaane ka mezaa kya ayega?

You really should be a travel writer- the tourist board should snap you up...this piece had me captivated.

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Prithvi
31/7/2012 05:37:19 am

Soopell, Meestal Beast ! I loved the details, the bindas spirit of the narrative, and of course the humor.

Mad interviews, mad travelogues .. what next :) ?

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Y S Rawat
31/7/2012 02:29:53 pm

Thanks Rachna for free publicity, Unfortunately not many at Lansdowne would be reading it otherwise I would have started cultivating my Vote bank for next Cantt Board elections.
You are too good in the art of making things look much more interesting and attractive, like in a coloured photograph, than they actually are. Write a few more stories about Lansdowne and around to help locals to sell this part of Uttarakhand more to tourists, at least from with in the country, if not foreigners as yet.

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Anand V
31/7/2012 04:30:50 pm

That was just Brilliant! I don't think i have ever read a travelogue so nicely mixed with the herbs and spices of the Indian psyche! Please oh please you have to tell us stories of the Colonel! This is just too good to miss... Can't wait for the next chapter..

P.S. Hope you are enjoying your trip to Bali Meestal Beast!

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PJ
31/7/2012 09:32:14 pm

Very good, Rachna....looking forward to reading about the Kotdwara Party's adventures in Bali and KL ;)

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RITEN
2/8/2012 03:00:58 pm

Absolutely wonderful.The Bangkok tourist guide/driver is indeed a kettle of fish alien to an upright Colonel, so the mismatch had to send sparks,
this was indeed a highlight of your trip.What about Pattaya,the night and day life//there's no other way kids and Ma can look.Anxiously waiting for your story on Bali,an 80% Hindu population.Yours is one of the most hilarious accounts, Mr Beest//But actually he would be saying it deliberately//U know what a face a Gurkha can make and get away with murder.So is the Thai.Keep it up.

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Isha
4/8/2012 03:32:58 pm

Ha-ha lovely article masi... reminds me of our magnificent time in June :-)

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Ritha Hegde
5/8/2012 09:58:50 pm

The photo in the beginning and the wordings below it made me feel it was going to be a serious writeup preaching against animal cruelty or things like that, but voila! thankfully its written completely written the 'Rachna Bisht Rawat' way :)
A very fun trip you had. Thanks for giving us those questions at the end for looking forward to in the next blog :D
I will definitely make note of all the things mentioned here as not to miss if I ever visit this place.
Floating market has always been a place I wanted to visit :)

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Anisha
9/8/2012 03:21:50 am

Fun Travelogue Rachna... 'mast' spirit and fantastic sense of humor :-)

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satyendra verma
13/8/2012 02:55:47 pm

Fun Read !!....and ill bookmark this for whenever i get to travel there. Waiting for the next episode !!

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richa verma
15/9/2012 11:38:42 pm

Very Illustrative as usual. I enjoyed the journey. looking forward to the the sequel :)

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Pushpa Bisht
6/10/2012 06:18:17 pm

Rachna, fabulous writing! Am at my PC after ages and your blog is always a big draw. There was a character in a PG Wodehouse who stuck a chrysanthemum instead of a carnation in the buttonhole. Chrysanthemum or carnation or red rose, you guys would stand out anywhere. Oh, the hazards of having Bisht as a moniker (Beast sure is one!). There are several reasons why a decent Indian family would go holidaying to a place famous for you-know-what. We went because like morons we didn’t plan our holiday and this was one place we could get visa on arrival. Our Meestal Beeg was a Meestal Sam, with equally compelling monophthong I would say ! I loved the magical Siam Niramit (the same being dinned into our heads by one Noopur Panwar, this Beast family headed singlemindedly to one).
Relived your predicament and a mental picture of the Colonel resorting to third degree methods to elicit information from Meestal Meeth made me laugh my guts out. Every description bettered the previous one. The Beasts uniformly do make for a motley crowd ! I recollect when we asked our driver to take us to the Buddha temple and on the way pointed to a giant size portrait of the king and asked where he studied, my elder one gave us a biting “Say Lord Buddha and you are not supposed to discuss the king. This is an absolutist monarchy, you want us in jail or what !” At Deewana Patong in Phuket, an Indonesian band played some Abba and Engelburt Humperdinck numbers for the occupants of a single table (late diners, the Beasts) and the girls were truly jealous that I knew the words. They concentrated on my lip sync like the Colonel trying to catch a lying cheat. Oh ya that pungent sea weed smell, we had to sneak in Cuppa noodles from The Family Store into the hotel. Simply loved the pics too. Your writing is addictive but I’m saving most of it because I never want to spoil a good thing by reading it in a hurry,

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anjana link
3/11/2012 06:25:09 pm

I am reading the blogs since last 2 hrs Aaj meri family ko khaana bahut der se milega. I'd rather read your blog than watch a movie.I have skipped Shirin Farhad.. to read all these rib tickling anecdotes.

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    Rachna Bisht Rawat is a full time mom and part time writer. She is married to an Army officer whose work takes the family to some of the most interesting corners of India.

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