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Hey! You're married to the Army now

24/8/2012

27 Comments

 
Prologue: 17 years back when I shyly tossed a marigold garland around this young dashing Army officer’s neck I didn’t know what was in store for me. Crazy coursemates, mad sahayaks, cranky “senior” ladies and natty generals; I’ve seen at least one of each. Here’s a sneak peek into life as an Army wife. 
Picture
Illustration by Prithvi Raj Banerjee

December 1995, 1300 hours, Somewhere in the Western Sector

It’s embarrassing as hell. Captain Manoj Rawat (my newly married husband) and I (his newly wedded wife) are standing (actually, wobbling) on a moving camel cart with big yellow marigold garlands dangling around our necks. The regiment adjutant - a short, slim man - and some more officers are dancing on the road alongside to the grinning regiment band playing songs from Dilwale Dulhaniya le Jayenge. Civilians on the roadside (all the way from the railway station) have made the most of this free entertainment. Their cheeky clapping and laughter is ringing in my ears, making them turn a deep shade of red. A precocious kid startles me by suddenly wailing: “I don’t like her. Why isn’t she wearing bangles and mangalsutra and a red sari. It’s cheating. Mummy, I want to see a bride.” “Beta, aunty (Aunty! Me? *heart break*) will dress up like that in the next party,” her plump Mummy consoles her. “Oh no! She won’t,” I mutter under my breath, restraining the urge to knock wailing kid on the head, and try to smile instead. Just then the camel lets out what sounds suspiciously like a fart and looking back slyly, parts its fat drooping lips in a Prem Chopra kind of leer. 

Well, that’s my introduction to Army life as a wife, and quite frankly, I hate it. It’s quite another story that few years down the line I shall actively start participating in such baraats and even help script and set up mischievous stories of jilted girlfriends coming forth to sob on the newly wedded officer’s shoulder: “You cheat, you married someone else! Ab mera kya hoga.” A ruse that worked almost everytime we used it and led to the couple’s memorable first fight.
                                                                                                               
… and 17 years later:  
From the way he is Sir-ring repeatedly into the cell, it doesn’t need Sherlock Holmes to guess that Lt Col Rawat is talking to a senior officer. Being around him for 17 years, I can even guess who he is talking to or when he has been playing squash when he’s lying through his teeth and claiming he was out inspecting the construction site. When he hands the cell to me with, “She’s right here Sir; and wants to talk to you Sir,” I’m pretty sure the Sir I’m supposedly so keen to converse with (though not true at all since I’d rather read my book where the tattooed heroine is about to get murdered) is his former regiment 2IC (second In command) Colonel Terry. Yes, the same slim adjutant from 17 years back who danced alongside our camel cart to “Tujhe dekha toh yeh jaana sanam”. “Good morning Colonel Terry,” I sing into the phone.

Another li’l aside on the Army; since we’re a legacy of the British, we sound a bit English but you shouldn’t let that fool you. Yeh dil hai Hindustani. Tejinder is Terry, Shailendra is Sherry, Chakravarty is Chuck, Garewal is, well, Garry but all of them know all the Hindi expletives there are and nearly all can be found downing a Patiala peg in the Mess bar sun down. Two Garrys in the unit are lovingly called Senior and Junior, and visitors are often surprised when Junior is summoned and in walks a fearsome looking, hairy, six footer sardar with a booming voice. Those whose names can’t be anglicized make do with initials. So we have a Col JB, a Maj SB and even a Brig NS who, quite understandably, prefers to be called by his first name.

Coming back to my phone conversation, there’s a deep voice at the other end saying:  No, no! This is Brigadier….” The rest is drowned in blips and beeps. “Oh! You’ve picked your next rank. Congratulations Brigadier Terry,” I whimper apologetically, glaring at the man who is disappearing into the bathroom with a wicked grin. It’s an unforgiveable faux pas. “Rachna, you can call me Captain if you want to, but you’ll still have to call me Ajith,” says an amused voice. On the line is not Col Terry but Brig Ajith, my husband’s former Assam Rifles Commanding Officer, who should have given him a big zero in his ACR for his wife’s absentmindedness.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Of charming generals…
Tales of senior officers are incomplete without mentioning a friend, also an Army wife, who nearly fell from her bike coming back from work one evening in the College of Military Engineering (CME), Pune, many years back when a big dog cut across the road. Enraged, she followed it and reached the Commandant’s house. Not daring to go in to complain she was lurking around outside when the dashing, salt and pepper haired General sauntered in from his evening walk. After formalities were exchanged, he asked her politely what she was doing at the gate. “I could have had a bad accident when your dog ran across the road. Why don’t you keep him on a leash?” she asked indignantly, though worried a bit that she could be responsible for truncating her husband’s career at the rank of Captain. “That’s my way of meeting pretty young ladies like you,” the General remarked with a twinkle in his eye, charming her and the rest of us (who heard the story later) completely.

…and strange sahayaks
Since no Army household (or blog) is complete without the faithful sahayak; here’s one sahayak story as well. The scary looking sahayak with us presently (who even his company commander wouldn’t want to meet down a dark alley) has this even scarier habit of getting closer and closer as you talk to him, causing much discomfort. To be fair to him, it’s probably the combined effect  of the turban and the firing range on his hearing. Since lady wife decorum demands that I can’t halt him in his tracks (like the sahab does) with a curt: Wahin ruk! Gaud mein baith jaayega kya?; I usually have my conversations with him sitting at the head of the dining table with an entire table length between us. From that safe distance I give him instructions about the location of the sahab’s new combat dress or DMS boots or even partner him in the crime of stealing a lawn mower from an unwilling neighbour. He exhibits the same Bluetooth like behaviour when placed outside a closed door. Twice I have opened the study door with a flourish at his fervent knocking only to hit him on the head since he is standing there with his ear to the door, no doubt respectfully waiting for orders to come in.

And “senior” ladies
Besides a partial disability to distinguish between one rank of officer and another, an absolute phobia to participate in any kind of beauty competition, I also let the Army down by exhibiting zero knowledge of plant anatomy. I once spent an entire morning at the Officers Mess being lectured by a “senior” lady that the plant put in the hall was standing there with its face to the wall “the poor, poor dear”. “Plants have faces, darling, and when you people do things like this to them, it just breaks my heart,” she said stalking in, even as I tagged behind completely hypnotized by her large undulating backside. She asked me to immediately have the potted palm face the audience. Alarmed, I SOSed  the Mess Havaldar for help (via some complicated eyebrow wiggles). He gallantly jumped to my rescue and made the Mess waiter turn the plant around. All three of us then held our breaths and looked at Mrs Senior Lady for a reaction. Though she heaved her impressive bosom and murmered: “Thank you very much, that’s better”, I was pretty sure that the pot had been turned 360 degrees and the “poor dear” was still standing with its bum to us. Before she could reconsider though, the Mess Havaldar smartly sent across a tray laden with steaming hot cutlets that succeeded in distracting her completely. Thus proving that that when it comes to exhibiting courage under fire, no one can match an Army man

And then, there was Yen Murthy
Before I let you go, I have to tell you about my husband’s coursemate Yen Yen Yet-another-Yen Murthy who also went under the pseudonym Chicken Murthy (for his deep love for chicken (mostly cooked in tangy curry) ). Regular readers might recognize him from an earlier blog. Capt Murthy would sometimes be our triple dance partner at the CME ball in our newly married days. Good with some Rajnikant type moves, he would have epileptic fits on the dance floor to the foot tapping remix version of “Living Next door to Alice.”  When the entire college screamed out “Who the fuck is Alice”, Murthy would (in his loud baritonous voice) bellow: “Who fuck the Alice?” causing fainter hearted lady wives to collapse in shock. But slowly everyone got used to it and by the end of the three year degree, most of us were adding our enthusiastic voices to Murthy’s version of the remix.

So long then. Next time, please remind me to tell you about the oh-so-propah Colonel and Mrs NP (Nitin Prakash) who would address each other as Col and Mrs NP. “Oh no Col NP you’re bringing dirty shoes into the house yet again.”  “I’m sorry Mrs NP, I shall take them off right now”. The formality made us worry about their family life, but since they had a strapping son to show, those were baseless. Time to go now. It’s Jai Hind sa’ab and an Army salute from me till the next blog. 
Disclaimer: Much as I crib and complain and make fun of life in Army cantonments, truth is that I love it here and there is no other place in the world where I would rather be. 


Prithvi Raj Banerjee is a cartoonist and writer. He's also an MITian but don't let that scare you. He blogs at http://pbnerge.blogspot.in/

ps: To get theYen Murthy feel, you can hear Living next door to Alice on the sidebar to the left
27 Comments
usha k swamy
24/8/2012 06:17:00 am

Hi rachna let me first congratulate U on ur lovlely blog abt the oh so familiar army life reading which brought back a flood of memories abt my stint as an army offs wife ,all in all i feel givn a 100 yrs more(is that stretching it tooo faaar???)army n its style of living wont change ,and thats what makes it so unique ,needless to say i still miss it














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abhilasha
24/8/2012 12:47:43 pm

hey sis lovely write up..left me with some giggles n smiles..n left jagdeesh wondering why i was smiling ear to ear early in the morning.congratulations dear.

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Mahendra
24/8/2012 08:34:38 pm

There really was a Brig NS? I mean, were his initials really NS or someone (his wife?) made them up?

Army life is good fun, we civilians have always been envious watching it from the sidelines (and occasionally particpating during summer vacations...), and of course grateful for the purchases from CSD canteen and the occassional free bottle of rum.

Though what is missing is some story about how you managed to bully around the wives of young officers reporting to Col saheb. Surely that is a part of the initiation rites?

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Ruby sandhu
24/8/2012 09:12:26 pm

Congratulations on ur nice write up it is something quite realistc about army rachna

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Amita
24/8/2012 09:44:14 pm

Rachu, as always, its a pleasure to read your writings,we don't have to stress on picturising the events at all.................it's all clear in your selection of words , how you put them together..........always SUPEEEEEERRR!!!
Waiting for your books now.............:)

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Manu
25/8/2012 12:13:01 am

Very nice :)

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BIG B JB
25/8/2012 06:03:27 pm

ha ha very well written ma'am....how can you forget.." Oh so you are Eating...!!!!" during farewell of CME.....!!!!
indeed Army is not a profession but a life....fewcan enjoy and others can crib....yeh changing facet of lifestyle has changed certain faces also where elder ladies have turned into Senior ladies" at times affecting the work culture of army.....but overall veryvery interesting life....meet all types of people ..given nicknames..like BKB..drop Nose....chicken Murthy..Badly dubbed chinies movie......yes..its here only....how friends play pranks....make one cry at times..( I am sorry for all my misdeeds)...etc etc.......nicely depicted article....

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Y S Rawat
25/8/2012 07:48:46 pm

Very well written, as usual,with adequate humour, an inseparable part of uniform. It may be my lack of knowledge of other careers but I strongly feel there is no career like army. In our younger days, we used to envy army wives, nothing much to do, attend Kitty, Majong or Tambola parties, gossiping and of course knitting (no longer now). youngsters drew pleasure in banging the doors of newly weds past mid night for a coffee session. I One can fill pages writing on and on and on. Its a big closely knit loving family, your relationship is for the life time, I am sure you must have read 'Wedded To Olive Green'.

Your DLK comment on Sahayak however is uncharitable.

Reply
cecilia
25/8/2012 10:00:40 pm

Hey you've got the army under your skin....you find so many average folks here, but sometimes there is a rare gem...like you smartly reconciled to the army life...

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Sanjoy Banerjee
26/8/2012 09:37:49 pm

Rachna, I see that the creative juices are well preserved and intact...and that the writer's block is far far away. Kudos for the wonderful read. 'Of Charming Generals....' ahem ahem! :) . Keep them coming...

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Prashant
26/8/2012 11:14:27 pm

One of the best ever articles I have read so far :) (Hey! You're married to the Army now).
Too good...

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RITEN
27/8/2012 07:26:40 pm

Well,Rachna,it has always amazed me how some of the most wonderful talented girls have chosen to marry into the Army.And then with supporting other halves,ladies have excelled in their chosen fields.I do feel you should delete DLK adjective from your nice narrative.Coming from you,how you learnt many skills from the senior ladies,got to practice compering,organising,empathizing with families of soldiers,there's a lot more which needed to be covered.I have a feeling,Bangkok & KL put a little screen on your horizon.There surely is a lot more than meets the eye.

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rachna
5/9/2012 08:22:17 pm

it's deleted. two army officers objecting to same thing had to be respected

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Ritha Hegde
27/8/2012 10:10:09 pm

Yet another awesome one! Had a blast reading it :) I must say you have quite a life being an army wife :) I am all smiles after reading it :)

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Ritha Hegde
27/8/2012 10:19:37 pm

Btw just heard the Alice song too, good one :) pity that I hadnt heard it till now!

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noopur
28/8/2012 10:42:02 pm

Look what I missed just because my parents did not have the foresight enough to rope in a handsome army officer !!! is it too late for me now ??

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Priya Poonacha
30/8/2012 04:55:18 pm

Awesome piece Rachana... Shall wait for sequel with Col and Mrs NP in it!!

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SAM
30/8/2012 07:37:42 pm

Good read. Hilarious and felt good that I could recognise some of the characters from 3 & 80. Will also take credit for christening Chicken Murthy. (he earned it by emptying entire contents of the chicken bowl meant for 4 into his plate before the other three had even reached the mess entrance)

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mona
12/9/2012 06:38:54 pm

Mrs Bisht ..... Loved this one...u must write more about the fantastic experiences that only a defense officer's wife gets !! Made my otherwise v stressful day bright :) Will wait to read more on this subject !!

Reply
ather
16/9/2012 07:42:29 am

Talk about being married to the army! These little viniettes of army life provide fascinating insights into a life you have lived and we have just heard of. Thanks for glimpses into this world..

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anjana link
3/11/2012 06:11:15 pm

mazaa a gaya. humour in uniform .please contribute. to Readers' Digest. PLEASE PUBLISH YOUR WORK. Look at Mr. Bhagat and Ms. Rowling. Be Indian and read and write Indian .

Reply
bates boots link
18/7/2013 08:19:18 pm

Thank you for sharing this work with me but I am the best of the world. Thank you very much for sharing it but I am the best of the world mate.. A powerful site and also a good blog with nice articles as they are very much related to every other particular subject matter

Reply
ghillie suit usa link
25/8/2013 09:32:52 pm

Substantially, the post is really the freshest on that noteworthy topic. I concur with your conclusions and also will eagerly look forward to your coming updates. Simply just saying thanks will certainly not simply just be adequate, for the perfect lucidity in your writing. I will certainly promptly grab your rss feed to stay informed of any kind of updates. Fabulous work and much success in your business endeavors!

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Harsh Gulati
17/9/2017 01:02:18 am

Hi Rachna
Really enjoyed reading the above lines
9810087757

Reply
Ganiv Panjrath link
28/2/2018 11:38:36 pm

Let’s publish this blog
Love Ganiv Panjrath
Managing Director
Creative Crows Publishers

Reply
Sanjay Tripathy
5/4/2018 11:30:08 pm

Hi Rachna ji
I am Sanjay Tripathy. I am a filmmaker ( my last film was club60- farooque shaikh, sarika)
Wanted to connect with you regarding making a series on 21 paramveer chakra winner.
Warm regards
Sanjay

Reply
Sanjay Kumar Singh link
19/10/2019 07:02:34 am

I am a civilian General Manager in a PSU but this has made me quite aware of Army Wives socials. We have also our officer's Club and ladies club as a protocal my wife is the President of Ladies Club. But not as fascinating as of yours. They do some welfare activities kitty House Annual Picnic and Sawan Month Cultural prog. Nice to know the life of Army officers Wives. Thanks and Regards. Sanjay Singh Ranchi.

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    Rachna Bisht Rawat is a full time mom and part time writer. She is married to an Army officer whose work takes the family to some of the most interesting corners of India.

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