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Love conquers all! Or, does it?

26/11/2011

14 Comments

 
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Sixteen years back, when my soon-to-be husband turned up at my dad’s house  a day before we were to be married just to say hello, women in the family gasped  at his audacity. Having stayed away from our small hill town most of his growing
years, he didn’t know that in traditional Garhwali marriages, the groom is not supposed to see the bride between the engagement and the marriage ceremony. As  punishment he was served a cup of tea with a few teaspoons of salt generously  stirred in and I vividly remember my sprightly old grandmother, a beautiful wrinkled 75, asking him with a naughty twinkle in her eye, if the sugar was alright. And he smiling right back at her and saying it was perfect. He did it
with so much conviction that after he had left (having drained off the last  drop), my Dadi summoned the aunt who had been given the task of adding the salt to check if her instructions had actually been carried out.

Cultural differences bring an exotic new flavour to life (sometimes tea as well) and what better way to sample this than to have a cross-cultural marriage.  A cousin who married a Japanese girl he fell in love with during a work stint in  Tokyo had drilled the ritual of brides-to-be having to touch their in-laws’ feet  so deeply in her mind that when she landed in Delhi for the first time and met  my rather intimidating aunt, she lay prone at her feet and almost passed out due to stress, nervousness and jet lag. The gesture caused my alarmed aunt to leap half a foot in the air but did help the new bride to win her heart, though her inclination to touch all feet – travelling salesmen, gardener and  maid  included -  did evoke growls of disapproval from my class conscious uncle, her honourable father-in-law san.

When Flight Lieutenant Puneet Pareek, from a conservative Rajasthani family  in Jaipur, married Dr Deepti I-do-not-wear-jewellery, microbiologist  from Delhi, some interesting episodes took place. Puneet recounts how his wife would
keep bangles, mangalsutra and bindi in the car dashboard and quickly put them on  just before their car entered his parents’ driveway in Jaipur so that his mother would be pleased to see a traditionally attired  daughter in law. He was also a strict vegetarian and often subjected to his hardcore non-vegetarian wife bringing sausages and salamis home in the car, windows rolled up, sniffing appreciatively, while he would be ready to puke but too much in love to say anything.

A slightly kinky sardar friend who married a Welsh girl, decided to have some fun when he brought her home to Punjab for the first time to meet the family, who were very apprehensive about the kind of moral values a white girl would
bring. He told her that when she had to go to the gurudwara she could say: theke  jana hai (we have to go to the liquor shop). Relatives who wanted to invite the newly wed couple home for Sunday lunch would be shocked when the salwar-kameez clad, demure looking, gori bride would innocently tell them that they would not be able to make it since “theke jana hai”. When the young bride, trying so hard to make a good impression, did find out what her husband had been up to, she
offered to break a few bottles on his head. Now, almost two decades later, communication is not a problem since she speaks Punjabi and her in-laws have caught on with her Welsh accent.

When Boston-based Prithvi Raj Banerjee fell in love with his Benaras Hindu University classmate Anisha Mahajan some years back, there was a face off between Bengali bhadralok culture and boisterous Punjabi. Since Bengalis don’t have a baraat in marriages and Punjabis can’t believe a wedding can take place without one, groom-to-be was given a crash course on the topic by his would-be wife and her brothers, who even arranged a band for the visiting Bong brigade. “Since the Banerjee clan (including my parents) had never attended a
baraat, they had no idea about its logistical constraints and didn’t turn up on time on D day,” recounts Prithvi. So after an hour plus of waiting (with only him and his young friends having arrived), the band party started muttering that they had a second shift to attend and would not stay much longer. Common friends of the bride and groom even hinted darkly that the band (as well as the baraatis) might just defect to the bride’s side and be at the gate to welcome him when he eventually turned up. The distraught groom had to finally take a call on it and decided to go ahead without the seniors. The baraat wound its way to the bride’s house with his tipsy friends and a lone uncle doing him proud by dancing all the way. “My Mom still regrets that she could not dance at my wedding. I’ve asked her to be punctual when it’s time for her grandson to have a baraat. I don’t care where in the world his bride is from, we will have one,” he laughs.

Frankly speaking, how many of us can say which gene pools future members of our family will come from? With the world shrinking so beautifully, life is becoming a cultural cauldron. To quote my Kiwi pal Julie Middleton (who incidentally married her mate of 14 years in a Hindu wedding ceremony held in
our backyard two years back): Crikey! Who cares so long as we learn to celebrate our differences instead of letting them build walls around us.

Dadi: grandmother; Mangalsutra: necklace work by married women; Baraat: Marriage procession from the groom's side that winds its way to the bride's house for the ceremony with music and dance

You can also read this article in the Sunday magazine, Deccan Herald:ttp://www.deccanherald.com/content/207534/cultural-cauldron.html
14 Comments
ather
26/11/2011 10:48:41 am

cultural mixes all add to the spice of marriage. My wife is half Turkish/half Indian...I remember there was a debate about whether a belly dancer might be permitted at the Mehndi but the rather orthodox Muslim contingent in my family vetoed this. After 25 years of marriage, I have too much belly of my own to have any desire to see anyone elses!

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BIG B JB
26/11/2011 12:58:17 pm

Another very good and thoughtful article....the aim of all these kinds of traditions are to bring people closer,removal of all kinds of barriers and opening of new life..it also help us to have more tolerance and izzat for our elders and traditions....traditions keeps us together and their rememberance keeps one agile, young and bubbly.....the inhibitions goes off and one become/accepted as part of family very easily......loved this article...too good.....keep it up......

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vanitha poojary
26/11/2011 10:17:47 pm

Loved it, u got this one bang on girl :))

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Mahendra
27/11/2011 12:07:04 am

I think the large metropolis of the world are driving (and unifying) their own culture - dominated by global brands, conspicuous consumption, no-quarters-given free market capitalism, and social networks which make conversation with neighbours unnecessary.
So anoher 10 years from now, this problem would have been solved by the English speaking / Starbucks sipping / Facebook poking / Tweeting generation....

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Prithvi
27/11/2011 07:45:37 am

Lovely Article Rachna. I would love to meet your Sardar friend .. am still laughing :)

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richa
27/11/2011 08:20:50 am

Interesting, nothing could be better than waking up (starting your week)to humor

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Anju Gangwal
27/11/2011 11:42:47 am

Very nice / humorous article . It reminded me of my cousins marriage almost 25 years back ..the religions as different as chalk n cheese n the cultural differences compounded by the age of groom ..almost 15 years elder to my cousin . Quite a lot of furore in our house but they sailed thru all obstacles n have been blessed by 2 sweet kids ( twins ) .I believe it not only involves tolerance n understanding on the the part of couple but the family too , to accept such relationships with open arms ...n ya loved the welcome of dashing groom with a pinch ..Oh no loads of salt ..See love conquers all :)

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RITEN
27/11/2011 05:16:41 pm

Absolutely wonderful.I am a product of cross culture marriage myself,Mom from Bengal and father Punjabi//anthropologically this is a mix of Aryan,Dravidian and Mongolian//sounds deadly.Your narration brings out how adventurous it is to marry on unknown ground.Inter planet will be even more fun.In the last century Indians believed that Japanese
girls....well let's leave that.
We were calling on a Very senior Officer,Sikh Gentleman.His wife,a French lady served a snack or two.One
of the youngsters whispered,Kee Pattakka
kudi phasai buddhe ne//after some time,the lady walked in talking in chaste Punjabi//did the earth shake??
The lady smiled and looked at us.
Wonderful story//keep it up,Rachna.

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Ritha Hegde
27/11/2011 08:11:55 pm

Nice one again :)

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puneet
28/11/2011 02:09:07 am

:-) good one. curious to know if manoj's cuppa was really spiked or aunt fell for his carm and betrayed!

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Y S Rawat
1/12/2011 12:01:18 am

1. Nice one Rachna. Some stories are news even to us.
2. Gen George Bharat Singh (Retd) S/O late Mukandi Lal (Barrister Saheb), you may have heard of him, had married a British lady from England some time perhaps in 1940s. Even we only heard the stories about the bride. The lady stayed in their village for quite some time and adopted so well including the language, culture and daily chores of a Garhwali village woman that but for her white skin, no body could guess that she was a ‘Angreji Memsaab’. Things have changed tremendously over a period of time. Last week there was a story in ‘Dainik Jagran’ about a boy and a girl from Maharashtra who with their family members came all the way to Uttarkashi to get married in typical Garhwali tradition with authentic costume, Dolis for both bride as well as groom and Dhol Damau etc. Locals also joined the baraat in good number. You will be surprised when, where and with whom Saransh, Isha or Siddharth will get married. If I am there to attend the marriage, I would love to take their pictures and put them next to the pictures of their great grand parents-for a contrast.

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sunil rawat
3/12/2011 10:58:35 pm


...Is it true..??
did nani actually put salt in chacha's tea???... my my... this is so interesting.. and chacha actually drank that cup of tea!!!...with a smile.

WOW...

Reply
MAITREE RAWAT
16/12/2011 12:23:58 pm



Wow keep it up.Really, its quite interesting and fascinating to come across such remarkable incidences which can be shared with others also over a cup of coffee / tea.

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adysweet mfc link
28/9/2013 09:54:34 am

I love this blog layout, where can I download it?

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    Rachna Bisht Rawat is a full time mom and part time writer. She is married to an Army officer whose work takes the family to some of the most interesting corners of India.

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