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The day Negiji got even with 5 Star Nanaji

20/4/2011

20 Comments

 
We’ve always called him 5 Star Nanaji. The reason is that he makes people see stars. Naturally, we call him that only behind his back. Up in the hills, where I come from, it's important to show respect. You don’t tilt your head at right angle and do your pranams; you don’t bend 120 degree at the waist and touch people’s feet, with both hands; you don’t intersperse conversations with an adequate number of nods and “ji haans”, you wear tang patloons with shirt tucked in (yes, that too) and you immediately get labelled upstart and/or vahiyat  (which is considered considerably worse than upstart).

But, keeping this information exchange classified, if you want to know what flavour of 5 Star, I'd say fruit and nut. The old fruit is completely nuts (even by my liberal standards of insanity), and way too gregarious for the reclusive Negiji who lives across the fence from our house. 

Till the day before Negiji decided to get even with him, 5 Star Nanaji just had to be walking down Badrinath Marg, in his frayed cotton shirt, pleated trousers, Gandhi topi and Nehru jacket (which he did every morning/evening and a few times in between) and if he spotted a front door open (Negiji's or anybody else's),  he would take it as a personal invite. Pushing open the iron gate that leads up the garden path, 5 Star Nanaji would walk in swivelling expertly past the lurking cows, waiting for an opportunity to sneak in and munch on juicy green hedges. The sound of 5 Star Nanaji’s lathi meeting cemented walkway has always been as terrifying for Kotdwar folk as the thak-thak of Daaku Gabbar Singh’s boots was for Ramgarh residents in the 70s’ hit film Sholay. And with good reason. Once he visited, he liked to stay on for about an hour of sadomasochistic know-deep-details (pun intended) -about-my-piles conversation, a cover to cover read of Dainik Jagaran, a longish siesta in the sun and some high energy snacks.  

Chutki - Negiji’s black and white  Lhasa Apso with the scary buck teeth and a hair style that can give Lady Gaga a complex (no, you definitely wouldn’t want to meet her down a dark alley on a moonless night - I mean Chutki not Lady Gaga, though I doubt you'd want to meet even Lady Gaga down a dark alley) - knew him well and would greet him with a fallen leaf offering and a complicated tail wag ritual. Giving her a tickle under the chin, he would pull out a grey plastic chair from the verandah and sets it under the mango tree where the sunlight filtered through the dark green leaves and fell to warm his knees. And there he would sit with his eyes half shut, ignoring the lame squirrel that had climbed down and was waiting patiently for the snacks to show up. Everybody knew that now, it was just a matter of time or who blinked first.

 “Arre bhai, ghar mein koi hai,” 5 Star Nanaji would bellow loudly (sending Negiji – a loner – scuttling off to the safety of his bedroom). He would then wait patiently for Mrs Negi to appear, cover her shoulders with the pallu of her cotton sari, touch his feet (with both hands) and get him a cup of sweet milky tea and glucose biscuits. If he was lucky, guests over the weekend had left behind some kaju katli or motichoor laddus and he would get to sample those as well. (Our side, you go visiting people without a box of sweets, you get bracketed in the same category mentioned in para one above).  

Now, ever since Negiji first stood under the mango tree at 1/37 Badrinath Marg, Upper Kalabarh, under a hot summer sun 22 years back and got Vishranti (his house) constructed in the plot of land gifted to him by his late father- in-law, he has intensely disliked 5 Star Nanaji’s intrusions upon his privacy. But, unlike the brigadier who moved next door much later, and who just shuts his door in the face of the predatory guest, refusing to open it despite persistent bell ringing, Negiji had been following the Gandhian philosophy of non cooperation. He would simply refuse to emerge from his bedroom till the old guest had left  or (if caught unawares) pretend he had started meditating/or had fallen asleep if he was being spoken to. While non cooperation worked fine with the British, it failed miserably with the home crowd. And finally, a day came when Negiji gave up on non-violence and decided to pick up the weapons of science.

What few people know is that Negiji is a gold medalist, Physics, from Allahabad University. He displays signs of genius alright. He has not brushed his teeth for many years now. It wears them out, he says. When he feels his teeth need cleaning, he eats an apple. Or, he chews on a radish. Yes, that does enhance bad breath but then for the reclusive Negiji it is like killing two birds with one stone. For many years, he also kept an old Ambassador car that never ran on the roads of independent India, but Negiji used the engine to light up the night bulb in the corridor of his house. Finally, he had to let it go but the driver's seat of the red Maruti 800 he got in its place has never been graced by the senior Negi backside. It remains an unloved car driven only by MS Negi (Negiji's NRI son) who visits during holidays.

One afternoon, annoyed with the monkeys that had been eating the papayas from his tree, Negiji connected a small circuit and placed one end of the wire on a freshly ripened fruit. Everytime, a monkey tried taking a bite of the papaya, it would get a nasty shock. The remedy worked like magic and soon Vishranti was rid of monkeys who went off to search for less electrifying lunch areas. High on this successful experiment, Negiji decided to test his pest control kit on mankind. Working quietly when his wife was occupied with her morning pooja ritual, he fixed a similar circuit at the iron gate to his house and then sat back to watch from behind the sitting room curtains. The rest, as they say, is history. A visibly shaken 5 Star Nanaji was heard telling people at the chai ki dukan in Jhanda Chowk that he had developed some electrical charge that gave him a shock everytime he touched iron gates. When this news reached Narendra Singh Negi, gold medalist, physics, Allahabad university, (through his incredulous wife) he just gave a half smile and reached out for his plate of freshly diced papaya. He spent the morning under the mango tree in his favourite spot, Chutki chewing the edges off his sandals. That evening, Brigadier Sa'ab made an exception to his rule of not mingling with civilians and came down to the fence to congratulate the eccentric genius. A mutual enemy had been vanquished.

Disclaimer: All resemblance to people living and breathing is completely intentional (and may they live forever). This story is based on true life incidents (well, mostly). :) 

Ji: way of respectful address, like Mr or the Japanese san; pranam: namaste; tang patloon: tight pants; ji haan: respectful agreement; vahiyat: obnoxious; topi: cap; lathi: walking stick; Chutki: Little girl; arre bhai, ghar mein koi hai: anybody home; kaju katli: sweets made of cashewnut; motichoor laddu: well, laddus (OK, sweets again); chai ki dukan: tea stall

And this song comes all the way from the hills:
20 Comments
Prithvi link
20/4/2011 05:47:08 am

Loved the story ! The flow humor comes out naturally. Loved the details - Squirrel
waiting for snacks to come, sound of lathi on the concrete floor .. super !!

Reply
Neelu
20/4/2011 01:48:18 pm

Rachna,
Kudos for recreating the moments we could relive in your neighbourhood...with out even placing half a foot there!!

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noopur
20/4/2011 02:17:03 pm

What can I say !!!! Its absolutely brilliant !!! loved the narration . It makes me homesick :)I want to sit under the mango tree and chillout even if it means facing 5 star nanaji everyday.LOVED IT !!

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Otsieno Namwaya link
20/4/2011 02:56:25 pm

Wow!This is great Rachna. You did never disappoint on the witty side

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Jhoomar
20/4/2011 03:05:43 pm

Awesome as always!! Love your eye for details. Print a copy for 5 star nanaji and negotiate a truce with him.

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Mona link
20/4/2011 07:49:38 pm

Rachna...am running out of words/phrases to praise ur writings !! Loved the simplicity n humor in this one. Even we had one Dadaji like ur 5 star Nanaji so could relate to this one too :-)
Waiting for ur next !!

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Anju
21/4/2011 09:32:26 pm

Hi Rachna ,
love ur way of narration and amazing eye for minute deatils but i felt bad for Nanaji :)

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Mahendra
23/4/2011 12:21:45 am

Really? Never knew that Negiji was capable of such aggressive tactics - But just goes on to show that Gandhism does not work.

But can we assume that the spectre of Five Star Nanaji is no longer haunting the place? Or has he figured out that his electrical charge only works as long as there is no power cut....

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Rashmi link
23/4/2011 12:55:57 am

so well-rounded characteristion.. who cares fiction or truth... and oh five star nanaji is best read with a glass of wine like I am doing now :))

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Tanu
23/4/2011 04:17:25 am

Fufaji has all the makings of a true woodhousian character and you my dear sis share his talent (woodhouse's not Negiji's)In fact considering that the family is full of such characters we can look forward to a series of such articles which may someday be compiled into a bestseller...........!

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swathisriram
23/4/2011 10:06:51 pm

vfdvbfbg

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swathisriram
23/4/2011 10:11:27 pm

the flow of humour is amazing ....iam a Voracious blog reader ...ur blog is one of the best ones i cum across :)

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Prateek
24/4/2011 12:12:53 am

Nice one Mausi, its so hilarious :) though i dont remember nanaji ever electrifying the main gate...hahaha

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pranay
24/4/2011 12:23:08 am

really nice piece maussi,now i am reconsidering myself being a fan of lady gaga after that comparison,just make sure she dosent get her hands on this blog :),but again a really humorous piece..love the detailed description of every aspect of that story..wish i could write that well for my exams :)

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puneet pareek
24/4/2011 02:55:11 pm

Brilliant piece like Fufaji himself. Just heard about, never got lucky to see 5* nanaji. Entertaining description takes one right there at Vishranti.

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SR Pareek
24/4/2011 03:58:28 pm

Dear Rachna ji, A very humorous depiction of the situation and Negi ji. I have also gone through many of your other articles. The depiction of those situations was really touching, specially the cantonment sight during Kargil war.You are a very good journalist and writer. Beware of Negi ji's fury.

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Sunil Rawat
24/4/2011 09:03:18 pm

Amazingly written!! ......and i can vouch for this.. it is (almost) based on a TrUe StoRy.. ;)

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Piyush
24/4/2011 11:17:28 pm

Well done, Rachna! This was so interesting...

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BIG B J B
26/4/2011 01:44:07 am

Dear Ma'am
Now its high time I must visit your place Kotdwar....today I am really thrilled and amazed to read 5 Star Nanaji's story,beside very well articulated and potrayed infront of my eyes,its amazing that how non voilence act of Nanaji was effective to convince Brigadier Sa'ab...lovely one...I really enjoyed it....any negative comment???????remember me....still alive...ha ha ha
yours BIG B

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Pushpa Bhandari Bisht
26/4/2011 06:08:33 am

Rachna, I enjoyed every morsel, made sure that every titbit lasted. Congratulations for some crack comic timing. It’s what I would say truly humdinger. What’s home in the countryside without a cat, a dog, a lame squirrel, those grand old cookie baking, tea serving moms and the lovable, cantankerous 5 star Nanajis and Negijis glaring at each other from across fence.
Noopur had regaled us time and again with her Dad’s ingenious invention that put the rampaging monkeys properly in their place. Reading it all here was doubly enjoyable. “The old fruit is completely nuts“ now isn’t that totally out of the looney bin ! And I noticed “arre bhai, ghar mein koi hai” was not translated into a – “anybody home brother?” I’m sure Brigadier Sa'ab enjoyed many a quiet chuckle over his vodka, reading about the idiosyncrasies of his civilian neighbours and relatives. As for me, orange juice was the best I could muster...nevertheless the breezer you put together was enough to get high on!

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    Rachna Bisht Rawat is a full time mom and part time writer. She is married to an Army officer whose work takes the family to some of the most interesting corners of India.

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