The star (bores) of TV 2013

Despite the rotten eggs we’ve been chucking at them year after year, television channels continued to bombard our bedrooms with unbearable nonsense in 2013 as well. The serials were absolute rubbish which is why we didn’t watch them at all. The reality shows were fake and scripted so we’re not wasting time reviewing those either. That leaves us with news and interviews. And, sorry to say this, but these guys didn't exactly delight us with their wit and wisdom either.

Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, for your vicious reading pleasure, we shall be honouring the star bores of television 2013 with the UMUP awards (you made us puke). Here goes the honour roll:

Makeup monster of the year: Barkha Dutt

She introduced us to weird shades of lipsticks, strange hair styles and smudged eyes that often brimmed over with tears (a sudden Radiagate memory perhaps that made the finger shake and poke the stuff right in?)
After haunting the ridges of Kargil and hobnobbing with soldiers going to war, for some time Barkha went for the no makeup look which actually worked for her. But alas! Like most other women anchors, she soon discovered the evil of foundations, smudgy eyeliners, lip liners and their ilk and went completely berserk painting herself a brand new (though equally scary) face. Apparently noone's telling her where the brush stops where makeup is concerned. Barkha, unless you are giving a Kathakali dance recital, you don't use the entire contents of a bottle/tube in one sitting. 

Runners up: Chain se sona hai toh bhaag jao...

Giving Barkha stiff competition in the scary face and dark eyes department was the anchor of Sansani (yes, “chain se sona hai toh jag jao”). With his flashing kohl rimmed eyes, strange hair and equally weird wardrobe, the bearded monster finished a close second, despite notching extra points for voice modulation and revolting screen presence.

Better luck next time: Sagarika Ghosh 

With her absolutely rotten collection of saris and touching loyalty to the gali ka darzi who has been cutting sleeves off her mommy's ill fitting blouses for her show after show. 

Rotten ham (not to let resemblances confuse you with pig): Arnab Goswani

Or-knob go-get-‘em Goswami hammed every other news anchor into oblivion by getting so angry with guests that he stopped short only of flinging studio furniture at them. Raving, ranting and ferociously wagging his eyebrows to express his anger, Or-knob this year took the pants and eardrums off political leaders, debauch journalists, holy men with unholy libidos and bully nations. It's common knowledge now that when the city sleeps Superjourno flies overhead and with his glasses glinting in the moonlight, zips into open windows to pick up CAG reports, copies of FIRs and other incriminating evidence. He then accosts guilty parties with these papers in the Times Now studio while harshly lambasting them in Dolby surround sound. 

Slimiest smirk: Rajat Sharma

Rajat- India TV- Sharma out smirked everybody else in the business by an inch and a half. Right from NaMo to Sanjay Dutt to participants in the Big Boss house, he bestowed his super smirk on them all.  Bound by a commitment made to himself that he will continue to host Aap ki Adalat till the universe ends (though not by India TV news flashes, where it happens a few times each year), he refuses to take off his dark suits and ugly glasses, speak through tightly clenched teeth and pollute the environment with his I-know-awful-secrets-about-you smile even on other shows like Big Boss.

Main har saal laut ke aaunga award: Karan Johar

K Jo returned with yet another round of coffee, a black leather couch and a brand new red piano. The guests, alas, were the same old fuddy duddies of Bollywood who turned up in their designer clothes and fake smiles vying for the same old goody hamper. K Jo cut himself blazers from shiny blue and maroon velvet upholstery that made holes in our eyes so that we didn't notice the age lines deepening around his (and his guests') eyes.

Odd(ly) dressed couple: Mr and Mrs Aamir Khan
Aamir Khan appeared on the Karan Johar show in pants that ended at ankles and closely followed the shape of his calves making us wonder if he had borrowed wifey Kiran’s leggings. Kiran contributed to bringing the award home by turning up in her hideous glasses and a body hugging frilly blouse that hadn’t made up its mind about whether it wanted to be a shirt or a frock. 

Fashion icon of the year: Arvind Kejriwal

This startling new entrant on national television stole the show, Delhi elections and people’s hearts by thumbing his nose at all fashion rules. Designers like Rohit Bal and Ravi Bajaj reached for their smelling salts as he boldly redefined natty gentlemen dressing. Not only did he wear his yellow toed woolen socks with his old sandals; he also appeared on TV sporting half shirts with sleeves brushing the elbows, shapeless sweaters, and topis pulled down over woolen mufflers wrapped around his ears. The Fashion Icon of television award goes to AK for leading by example and telling the Indian aam aadmi: Doston, wear what you want, use mufflers to stay warm, don’t give a damn for the Congress party, the BJP and fashion designers, and, above all, don’t tolerate corruption. May his tribe multiply!

Making the ladies swoon: Anil Kapoor 

Known more for his hairy chest than his histrionics, Anil Kapoor made a surprise TV debut, showing us what a well maintained 56 year old could look like. He gave hope to senior citizens and sent men on either side of 40 waddling to the gym. His deep voice, his dark stubble, his trigger happy agent Jai Singh Rathod with the I-don’t-smile demeanor made female hearts beat faster than ever before. 24 was one serial that had pace and panache and if you just wanted to waste time with the remote in hand, drooling over Kapoor was not so bad a way to do it. It also ended with the 24th edition leaving lovelorn aunties sighing over their unrequited love for the kick ass Kapoor. The good news is they can wipe their tears; the grapevine says there shall be a Season 2. Sigh!

Quick rise in television: Kapil Sharma

Kapil Sharma won a few seasons on Sony’s Comedy Circus and then got his own show to host on Colours. With a talented bunch of supporting actors, some seriously funny wisecracks and the irrepressible sher sprouting Siddhu ji; his show registered a phenomenal rise on TRP charts and had almost every film star with a release to promote sitting on his couch dodging red lipsticked kisses from Ali Asgar as the sneaker-clad, Patiala-salwared, boozard dadi. However, with a set lost to fire, the talented Sunil Grover making a controversial exit and jokes dying down, the show needs to pull up its socks or else it could see the quickest fall on television as well.  

Thank you for nothing TV 2013. Keep up the rotten work. This year too please help us pick dinner leftovers from our teeth in sheer boredom, poke fingers in our noses for lack of anything better to do and pull our quilts over our heads and go to sleep. Happy New Year!
 
Disclaimer: The writer stopped watching television a few years back and writes TV reviews only to vent out her frustrations.