The year ends. And if you are a couch potato who needs to be hooked to a TV set 24/7, odds are you are on the verge of a mental collapse. Television program producers fed us such utter nonsense in 2011 that our brain cells are dying.
Simi Garewal walks away with the crown for being the most irritating television host ever. Her talents include appearing on camera with zero research; stretching a two-minute interview to an hour, or even two if she can pull it into another episode; repeatedly bringing on the same guests (who give it away by consistently behaving like retards); and feeding us stuff that we already know from reading intellectually stimulating literature like Filmy Kaliyan and Stardust. Karan Johar with his “Hey! Look at me. I’m so pretty and I know the pet names of all the Bollywood stars” comes a breathless second.
So here goes folks. Here is an incomplete (there isn’t space enough to do them all) list of programs and people we would like to see less, preferably none, of in the year 2012.
Simi Garewal walks away with the crown for being the most irritating television host ever. Her talents include appearing on camera with zero research; stretching a two-minute interview to an hour, or even two if she can pull it into another episode; repeatedly bringing on the same guests (who give it away by consistently behaving like retards); and feeding us stuff that we already know from reading intellectually stimulating literature like Filmy Kaliyan and Stardust. Karan Johar with his “Hey! Look at me. I’m so pretty and I know the pet names of all the Bollywood stars” comes a breathless second.
So here goes folks. Here is an incomplete (there isn’t space enough to do them all) list of programs and people we would like to see less, preferably none, of in the year 2012.
Karan, we really don't think you're as pretty as you believe. The only way we're willing to tolerate looking at you is if your head is dunked in that mug of coffee you are holding.
Coffee with Karan: Spare us your designer dresses, your saccharine smile, your rolling eyes, your Bollywood dosts, your couch and your coffee Mr Johar. How many times will we hear the same old stories from the same old people. In fact, we have actually gotten old watching them. And part of our peeve is that they still look the same surgically perfect while we are getting buried in piles of wrinkles. Go away and make some movies and preferably release them in some geographical location where we don’t have to watch those either. Here’s throwing a virtual shoe at you. Hope that landed in your coffee.
Simi Garewal: Simi, Simi, SIMI! Even if your hearing is no longer what it used to be 100s of years back, hope you heard that. It’s time to RETIRE. You can’t keep inflicting yourself at us, our great grandparents and our grandkids over centuries just because you are blessed with an agelessness that fits better with the vampires of the Twilight series. If we want to watch a sniffling, hand-holding, chat show host who likes playing psychologist to her guests, we’ll watch Oprah. Actually, we don’t want to watch her either. If we really want to hear how wonderful the person sitting next to you is, we’ll come home. So please spare us the white dresses and the emotional atyachaar. And a parting word of advice to you: Get real. At least you should know who is inside that one inch makeup and bad hair. We are not interested.
Film promotions: Television memories of 2011 include Vidya Balan shaking her bust to Oo la la, in the middle of soaps like Bade Acche Lagte Hain; Katrina slapping Imran in Kaun Banega Crorepati; John and Akshay showing their muscles and pelvic moves in the Big Boss house. Film stars belong in cinema halls, not our bedrooms. TV program producers as well as their brethren who produce films need to know that when we are watching a television program (however trashy) it is a matter of personal choice. If you want to advertise your film, buy commercial time and let it come on between episodes so that we can use that time to take a pee break.
The same old newsreaders: Would Barkha Dutt, Arnab, Rajdeep, Sagarika and the rest of their ageing pals on TV please unplug their laptops and retire. Let some fresh talent get in front of the camera, guys. We have ODed on your earnestness, your will to do social good, your analyses, your carefully dumbed down designer clothes. Arnab, who already dresses like Clark Kent, can comb a curl in the middle of his forehead and audition for a Superman sequel. Sagarika, who has built up considerable fan following amongst pet Pomerarians by yelping at her guests, could try a dog rescue shelter and Rajdeep and Barkha can figure out some alternate career choices too.
Reruns of imported rubbish: Please spare us late night reruns of absolute bakwas reality shows like The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. We have enough of that being churned up at home. Will the guys who bring us retarded rubbish like Emotional Atyachaar and Dare to Date please stand up and show their faces.
Regressive serials: No! PLEASE! Don’t show us any soap with a title that goes beyond three words – Radha ki Betiyan Kuch Kar Dikhayengi; Sautan ki Beti ki Aankh ka Aansu; Ghar Aayegi Meri Lado ek Din and similar shows that make us shudder in fear as they bring us scary females who dress in pink saris and and males who let their eyebrows do the acting, since they are never given any dialogues. Alright, I might have made up some of those names, but even on assignment I absolutely refuse to watch any of these soaps that are conspiring to reduce audiences to brainless masses of quivering jelly.
And finally, some last words on what we would like to see on television. Some good documentaries on travel, people and food, some humour or at least something that respects the brain cells that haven’t died yet. And now if you excuse me I need a break to do some deep breathing exercises and wipe the froth off my mouth.
Fact is stranger than fiction: The Indian television industry with 600 channels is estimated to clock revenue of Rs 32,000 crore by the year-end, which is a 14 per cent growth.
Simi Garewal: Simi, Simi, SIMI! Even if your hearing is no longer what it used to be 100s of years back, hope you heard that. It’s time to RETIRE. You can’t keep inflicting yourself at us, our great grandparents and our grandkids over centuries just because you are blessed with an agelessness that fits better with the vampires of the Twilight series. If we want to watch a sniffling, hand-holding, chat show host who likes playing psychologist to her guests, we’ll watch Oprah. Actually, we don’t want to watch her either. If we really want to hear how wonderful the person sitting next to you is, we’ll come home. So please spare us the white dresses and the emotional atyachaar. And a parting word of advice to you: Get real. At least you should know who is inside that one inch makeup and bad hair. We are not interested.
Film promotions: Television memories of 2011 include Vidya Balan shaking her bust to Oo la la, in the middle of soaps like Bade Acche Lagte Hain; Katrina slapping Imran in Kaun Banega Crorepati; John and Akshay showing their muscles and pelvic moves in the Big Boss house. Film stars belong in cinema halls, not our bedrooms. TV program producers as well as their brethren who produce films need to know that when we are watching a television program (however trashy) it is a matter of personal choice. If you want to advertise your film, buy commercial time and let it come on between episodes so that we can use that time to take a pee break.
The same old newsreaders: Would Barkha Dutt, Arnab, Rajdeep, Sagarika and the rest of their ageing pals on TV please unplug their laptops and retire. Let some fresh talent get in front of the camera, guys. We have ODed on your earnestness, your will to do social good, your analyses, your carefully dumbed down designer clothes. Arnab, who already dresses like Clark Kent, can comb a curl in the middle of his forehead and audition for a Superman sequel. Sagarika, who has built up considerable fan following amongst pet Pomerarians by yelping at her guests, could try a dog rescue shelter and Rajdeep and Barkha can figure out some alternate career choices too.
Reruns of imported rubbish: Please spare us late night reruns of absolute bakwas reality shows like The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. We have enough of that being churned up at home. Will the guys who bring us retarded rubbish like Emotional Atyachaar and Dare to Date please stand up and show their faces.
Regressive serials: No! PLEASE! Don’t show us any soap with a title that goes beyond three words – Radha ki Betiyan Kuch Kar Dikhayengi; Sautan ki Beti ki Aankh ka Aansu; Ghar Aayegi Meri Lado ek Din and similar shows that make us shudder in fear as they bring us scary females who dress in pink saris and and males who let their eyebrows do the acting, since they are never given any dialogues. Alright, I might have made up some of those names, but even on assignment I absolutely refuse to watch any of these soaps that are conspiring to reduce audiences to brainless masses of quivering jelly.
And finally, some last words on what we would like to see on television. Some good documentaries on travel, people and food, some humour or at least something that respects the brain cells that haven’t died yet. And now if you excuse me I need a break to do some deep breathing exercises and wipe the froth off my mouth.
Fact is stranger than fiction: The Indian television industry with 600 channels is estimated to clock revenue of Rs 32,000 crore by the year-end, which is a 14 per cent growth.
Simi Garewal walks away with the crown for being the most irritating television host, ever.
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