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TV's most terrible of 2012

8/1/2013

19 Comments

 
 It’s that time of the year once again when we catch up with television celebs who brought into our bedrooms the most unbearable rubbish. Guys and gals, you nearly killed us when we went banging our heads against our television screens. For that you get this well deserved kick on the rear and some new year resolution suggestions that might make us like you (more).
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Fans can enter the 'Shout louder than Arnab' contest and win his favourite sweat stained black jacket
Arnab Goswami – Also goes by the name Or-knob (for his striking resemblance to a door knob). The guy who couldn’t be Superman was thrown out of auditions for rudely demanding why his character shouldn’t be called Clark Can instead of Clark Kent.
New year resolution: I will not scream at people demanding “ANSWERS”.

The poster boy of Times Now uses his TV show and eloquent frog eyes to scare politicians by venting out frustration that has built up inside him for not being able to fulfill his childhood dream of wearing his underwear on top of his slacks and flying across the planet battling evil. The man “who still hasn’t found what he’s looking for” now wears a frown, a dark suit, nau nambar ke chashme and has transformed himself into the enraged crusader for India’s snoozing middle class.

Arnab’s modus operandi is to invite villains to his show, lock them up in small rectangular boxes, distract them by violently waving sheets of paper in their faces (claiming shrewdly that they are CAG/CBI/other-terrible-sounding reports), while fixing them with a hateful hypnotic stare. While they cringe in terror, he suddenly shouts  “I WANT ANSWERS” in their ears in glass shattering decibels and converts them into quivering masses of jelly. It has been reliably learnt that the channel has ENT specialist on call facility. Panelists often have to be taken out on stretchers with eardrum damage. Some have had to be hospitalized with damaged vocal chords after they tried to outshout Arnab (quite unsuccessfully, of course).

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They say at midnight Karan sprouts vampire teeth and actually starts sucking blood from his victims
Karan Thapar - The anchor who believes he was born to be obnoxiously rude to the world
New year resolution: I shall make peace with the devil within, loosen my tie and retire.

There have been hushed whispers in secret circles that Karan Thapar is not the Devil’s Advocate but the devil incarnate. Some claim that he is, in fact, a 500 year old vampire who has attained eternal old age by feeding on human blood. And that he sleeps in an old creaky wooden casket in the day time and walks into the CNN IBN newsroom only around 8.30 pm, salivating for flesh and gore. Since physical violence is not permitted on national television, Karan orally drags his interviewees across sharp craggy edged blades of broken glass till they scream for mercy. We want a break from Count Karan who has been showing us the dark, spinechilling journalist-eats-all-others side of the world ever since he managed to slink into a TV studio on a moonless night. Karan, please go back to that old castle in Transylvania where you came from and take a nap in your casket for the next 500 years with your pet wolves.

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Hey, noone comes to my show in jeans tighter than mine
Salman Khan: The star who has made sleepwalking on shows and mumbling meaningless rubbish (that only he has the IQ to understand) a style statement.
New year resolution: I shall not come to the Big Boss show with ants in my pants.

Salman Khan has been showing up for the Big Boss show in pants so tight that fans suspect they belong to sis-in-law Malaika and have landed in his wardrobe in a family dhobi goof up. The result is that in his stifling discomfort he twitches and twists and wriggles all over the stage making funny sounds with his eyes popping out. The saddest repercussion of this wardrobe malfunction has been that it is sprouting clones on other television shows where small time wannabe actors have started aping the big star blindly not understanding the real reason for his Chulbul Pande type dance moves.

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Hey Ram!
Ram Kapoor - TV's fattest (also Tom Cruise for middle aged couch potatoes of the fairer sex who have still not stopped deep breathing over that nauseating errr..bad-room scene)

New year resolution: I shall not pile on the kilos just because I want to audition for the roles of footballs, elephants and rhinos.
Method actor Ram Kapoor, big (pun intended) star of the Ekta Kapoor serial Bade Acche Lagte Hain, has been growing larger than life in more ways than one. Kapoor confesses that he could never lose the weight he put on many years back to audition for the football’s role in Bend it like Beckham. Last heard Ram Kapoor had to be bumped off the serial Bade Acche Lagte Hain since only half of him  could  fit into the small screen.
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Archana Puran Singh - Once sexy debutante of Jalwa who has shape shifted into a flabby female Govinda clone.
New year resolution: I will not fake laughter at jokes that don’t even merit a smile.

She is, most definitely, being paid per laugh which is why Archana Puran Singh guffaws like a woman gassed with nitrous oxide on Comedy Circus, a television show that should be re titled Tragedy Circus due to its pathetic content. The sad old show has run out of laughs after burning out once talented guys like VIP, Sudesh, Kapil and Krishna. Regular watchers tend to weep into their hand towels and suffer hallucinations where they are chased by the big biceped screeching Archana down dark alleys.

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x^&**@$#%!
The two ugly, bald guys on Roadies – Since the only word that describes them cannot be used on family blogs, we shall skip an introduction.
New year resolution: We shall rinse our mouths with soap, grow our hair long (and comb it over our faces)

Sorry we’ve forgotten your names guys and would also like to forget that you exist. If at all, you still feel the urge to strut and swear around Roadies, that crappy show on MTV that you host, grow your hair and style it over your faces. You guessed it. We don’t want to be reminded each time that your faces are as deplorable as your manners.

With that dear readers we come to the end of 'TV's most pathetic'. To disappointed wannabes like Barkha Dutt, Rajat Sharma, Sakshi Tanwar, Ranvijay etc, who couldn't make it there this time, we’d just like to say: don't go wiping your noses on your designer dress sleeves, guys. You’re downright pathetic too but we only had space for so many. Better luck next year! May the worst continue to win.

19 Comments
NOOPUR
7/1/2013 05:40:21 pm

you just made me so happy for having legged it to KL and there by missing all these dreadful vampires on Indian TV :) great piece ..but unfortunately to write it you must have suffered through atleast a few of the episodes , my sympathies " method journalist " :)

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anjana link
7/1/2013 11:15:03 pm

You have hurt the feelings of a hardcore couch potato by revealing the truth about the performers in the idiot box. T. V just lost one of its loyal followers. Just wait for a libel suit from channelwalas; a dharna by the fans of Ram Kapoor. Barkha Dutt and company must be thanking their stars that they escaped your sharp comments. Bahut Maza AAya. Waiting for more spoofs , with more masala and tadka.

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Prithvi
8/1/2013 12:54:13 am

Brilliant ! Standing Ovation Rachna. Super Dhassoo punches - ek se badkar ek. What a Mad writing. I loved it !!

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Ganga
8/1/2013 01:23:25 am

Rachu, Great take on TV's most obnoxious!

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PJ
8/1/2013 08:33:51 am

very well written, Rachna, how come you left out that evil looking character on `Sansani'.....i wonder if it is still on....and rather than targeting the soap opera actors go after Kektaaa Kapoor...she is the real vamp!

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RITEN
8/1/2013 01:09:56 pm

As always,You have commented on a very important Passivity(not Activity) and summed up the Disaster characters on the Idiot Box.
You must publish this in a Big Newspaper/Periodical.The Indian audiences have been made drugged and dumb by these highly stupid set of characters.Even KBC conversations are pathetic.And look at our great country,one incident and then Round the clock Analysis of the fourth kind by whole lot of channels.Surely,reativity in the Indian Industry can be better.It is ridiculous to keep looking for Dostana 2 & 3 and sequels of Idiocy.I have a feeling Television will soon become extinct in many ways.Rachna, if you start a BRICKBAT PUBLICATION, we will contribute and knock the daylights off these channels.

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Geetanjali
8/1/2013 04:26:27 pm

Haha! So funny and totally bang on Rachna! You said it :) I thoroughly enjoyed reading about the television monsters. I must say I am tempted to watch all these super horrors, just so I can have a good laugh all over again. Cheers and keep writing

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Y S Rawat
8/1/2013 10:13:39 pm

Ha… Ha… Ha… Ho… Ho… Ho…. You did it Rachna that most of your ‘Fan club’ members have been wanting to but for want of your flair, could not and were waiting for some body (you, who else) to take on the mighties. You missed out Siddhu, cricketer turned politician (mercifully not seen of late). He beats Archna Puran Singh and all others hollow in the game of loudest laughter ‘at the drop of hat’ as they call it. The crown for this year should most deservingly go to ‘Or Knob’.

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ather
12/1/2013 03:17:02 am

Hi rachna, I am not familiar with the characters you write about but can imagine the tedium you must have endured that warranted your report. Salman is such a huge star though that I gather whatever he wore, he will always be a big draw. And Archana Puran Singh- I simply love her after her Mrs Braganza in Kuch Kuch and she was a joy in Raja Hindustani. We have our fair share of TV bores here in the UK too-but I could not hope to describe them to match your acerbic wit.
Happy New Year to you and your loyal followers...one day you should blog about us, your devotees!

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anju
12/1/2013 10:25:49 pm

Hilarious and Interesting read.Very Incisive and witty comments about the distinguised personalities :) Mercifully do not watch any of them barring Barkha Dutt sometimes . Looking forward to many more good articles in the ensuing months . Keep writing !!

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BIG B JB
12/1/2013 11:50:06 pm

wow..too Good ....once again very good article with sharp and realistic observations.......Love this aricle which is full of minute details............keep it up.......

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mona link
13/1/2013 07:46:41 pm

Mind blowing ... Hilarious and Bang on Rachna....Oh my God...i'm still laughing remembering all the lovely adjectives you have used for all these guys...Hahahhaaaa...though i shouldn't be commenting on Archana.... u know how i laugh ...but guess she sounds fake cause she's paid for it ;)))) Best were Or-knob ,Archana n Salman !!! Too Good !!! Not to forget ur discription of Mr Karan Thapar n others ....You MUST write more on such characters ... u r just tooooo good :))))

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deepali paul
14/1/2013 02:28:04 pm

Hey,
U put my feelings on this blog. Cud not have agreed more abt Arnab Goswami........my sentiments exactly :))

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treena
14/1/2013 07:04:31 pm

..loved reading it...totally in agreement....

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jagdeesh
14/1/2013 08:32:45 pm

very interesting to read, rachna.i m impressed with ur writing skills nd the adjectives used for every individual. all ur observations are realistic and hilarious. keep writing such articles...,wish all these so called celebrities,could also read ur article.

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satyendra verma
16/1/2013 03:20:12 am

Simply Brilliant. Had a constant grin throughout the read, and till much later.
Now with the alternate visuals of the rude twins with their hair combed over their faces, Karan Thapar sleeping cozily with his pet wolves or the real reason for Salman Khans itchy weight shifts, are well entrenched in our minds, watching these top terrible (if we have to) will be so much easier. so this article is also like a social service to your readers.
:-)
how about serializing this ?

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Ritha
11/2/2013 11:42:24 am

You definitely seem to watch too much TV!!! I was totally untouched by Indian TV for the past year, so all these seem to be 'news' to me :) But your article has made me go and try to watch some of them from youtube ;)

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Poornima Thapa
24/4/2014 08:23:27 pm

I love your reviews. They are so Actual and so Witty

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15/4/2018 11:46:30 pm

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    Rachna Bisht Rawat is a full time mom and part time writer. She is married to an Army officer whose work takes the family to some of the most interesting corners of India.

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